Slamhain IV - September 16th
= Card Announcement = SLAMHAIN IV: THE BRAWL OF THE WILD We had a really great spot picked out for this next one - a magical grove, hushed and peaceful! With Autumn approaching, what could be better for a party than an Enchanted Forest?! But our car broke down on the way there! Instead of the Enchanted Forest, we set up camp in the EnSLAMted Forest! This forest is HAUNTED! This forest is so haunted, you can't believe it. The trees have twisted, scowling faces. Giant cobwebs stretch for miles. Witches tempt kids into their mouldering cabins...to cook them! NO, IT CANOPY! Forget about the rain forest, this is the PAIN FOREST! There's disembodied spirits, skeletons a plenty, twisted, clawing branches... AND A WRESTLING RING MADE OF ANCIENT OAK AND VINES! That's the spot! That's where the wrestling happens! PERIOD! Goblin suplexes...Baba Yagas doing backflips! Brownies and sprites bodyslamming eachother from tree to tree! It's crazy and illegal, as usual! We're Goin' BOG WILD! Exult with us in an Autumnal Equinox celebration! Let's tempt the forces of darkness and once again revel in their failure to consume us. Join your flesh to the vast root network that pumps and pulses with the heart of the night! The huge trees reach their nasty fingers up, up, up...But we battle below, drinking beer and wrestling hard! SLAMHAIN 4... BEWARE OR BE SQUARE! Heed the BRAWL OF THE WILD with ARBOREAL ACTION....... It's the The Night's Card!!! Theodosia {PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION} vs. Mrs. Fennenbaum: HIGHSCHOOL EQUIVALENCY MATCH -- SCHOLASTIC SHOWDOWN! The Unfrozen Colonial Woman battles the Violent, Disgraced Public School teacher! If Mrs. Fennenbaum wins, she's the NEW CHAMPION! If Theodosia wins, she'll get her GED! And keep her championship! This is how GEDs work! -- A Midsummer Night's Prance -- Some forest nymphs are going to show us how to party! Prancing counts as wrestling, PERIOD!!! End of discussion. -- Ring Sanctification Ceremony w/ Gary -- In our flesh and in our hearts, the fire of wrestling burns. We must sanctify the cursed ring with two noble competitors. Gary, PWR's Greatest Satyr, will lead the ritual... But who will be his worthy opponent??? -- Camping with Dadbod -- Dadbod will show us all his tips and tricks for succesful haunted-forest-camping. Can you survive the trials of the cursed wild with only one skull doorag, a moldy James Clancy novel, a cooler full of light beer, and a collection of Jethro Tull's greatest hits? "Listen to your Father, Honey," In this special segment! -- Pink Eye’s Garbageweight Challenge -- Pink Eye is one half of the DUMPSTER BABES tag team, and the holder of the GARBAGEWEIGHT TITLE! She's the queen of all dumpsters! She’s got an announcement about her belt - will any of us be left UNSOILED?! -- Dan "the Man" Ziglar vs. A challenger -- Dan the Man: Entrepreneur Superstar, ex-Partyweight Champion and a couple times the main enemy of all mankind! Recently, he's been beset by MYSTERY SKELETONS! Who are they, and where do they come from? If we can root out their necromancer, THAT would be a match! Also, what has NECROWEIGHT Champion Randy "the Eagle" Eagleman been up to? Just curious. Not even sure why we mention it. -- Big Daddy Bolero vs. Luigi Primo: LUMBERJACK MATCH! -- Big Daddy Bolero - the tall tycoon from Dallas! Luigi Primo, an extremely Italian Pizza chef! BDB has narrowly avoided his last 2 scheduled matches with Luigi...but with an army of LUMBERJACKS surrounding the ring, there's no escape! -- Are of You Afraid of the NARRC? -- PWR's BEST FRIENDS FOREVER CHAMPIONS, the North American Railroad Commission, have a spooky campfire story to tell. They'll warn about the perils of friendship...and about a monster who roams the world, enforcing RAW TRAINLAW! Is this wrestling? Maybe... Plus, you’ll probably see these great PARTY ATHLETES in action: BENCH HORSE: The cruel horse, the horse who can bench press! He recently won a match forcing GARY to become his best friend! Let’s see where that goes! Chubby Uncle Juan and Puggin’Head: Everyone’s favorite kid’s TV host and his puppet pal almost always end up accidentally wrestling! DINO RIDA: Who is the mysterious DINO RIDA?! This masked hero harnesses the power of DINOSAURS for his mystifying attacks! After racking up a win against Dan The Man, I hope we see him again! = Post Show Write-Up = -- THEODOSIA DEFENDS TITLE/EARNS GED; MRS. FENNENBAUM SCHOOLED; PARTY CRASHED BY BELT-STEALING ALIENS; -- -- MAGIC BOOK LAUDED BY MULTIVERSE -- S L A M H A I N R E C A P ~ Do you want more? Get off the Facebook hellworld and join our cool listserv! Find out about new shows, new promos, and other good stuff. http://tinyletter.com/partyworldrasslin ~ -=An Apology=- We at PWR are so sorry that the PARTYWEIGHT TITLE was stolen by aliens. We do our best to prepare for all eventualities, but we dropped the ball on this one. Our security guards were not suited to the advanced biological weaponry this mysterious Alien Warrior and her minions possessed. We don’t know who they are or where they are from. Theodosia is still the RIGHTFUL CHAMPION, but the belt must be recovered, as it is the most powerful wrestling artifact in all existence. It must be reclaimed… -=/An Apology=- On to the RECAP! ------------------------------ Lost in the EnSLAMted Forest, we yearned for purifying in-ring competition! The fecund woods glittered with a ghastly light -- the foxfire of PARTY VIOLENCE -- blazing in the hearts of the TRVE! -- FALSE TIMMY QUIVERS DISPATCHED BY TREEMAN -- After some witches accidentally summoned a DAEMONIC HUCKSTER, the TRVE TIMMY QUIVERS burst forth from the shell of a tree! His final form: another tree! An Oaken stunner dispatched his doppelganger incubus! -- PURITY TRUMPS WICKEDNESS NYMPHS DEF. CRONE and DEER -- The gnarled, hideous forest harbored hidden beauty: Party Nymphs! They sashayed into the ring and dusted the crowd with rose pedals, their other worldly splendor shining forth! But a Wicked Crone and her enslaved DEER MINION sought to DE-PRANCE them! A match was made...a battle raged. Finally, the Nymph’s pure-yet-unyielding warriorship prevailed - the lost soul trapped within the wayward deer was saved from the crone's cruel clutches! One of the Nymphs, enchanted by the throbbing MULTIVERSE, left the forest to JOIN SOCIETY! Let’s hope they keep their innocence! -- ILLEGAL DUMPING PINKEYE DEFENDS GARBAGEWEIGHT TITLE, ISSUES CHALLENGE -- Next, the GARBAGEWEIGHT CHAMPION, PINKEYE, and her trash-husband, BABYFACE emerged from the Oaken Archway. Pinkeye dispatched THREE RANDOS from the crowd in an impromptu TRIPLE TITLE-DEFENSE! The final challenger was given a BRUTAL SWIRLY; a FULL ON TOILET had been assembled in the middle of the ring! Having dumped on her opponents, Pink Eye shocked us all by setting sights on yet another championship - the BFF BELTS! The DUMPSTER BABES ARE BACK!!!!! -- HORRIBLE CAMPING TRIP GETS WORSE DADBOD DEF. STEPSON -- Dadbod! He had been grudgingly granted a segment to talk about roughing it in the woods. After he hurled some camping-based insults at the audience, his real intentions became clear. He wanted to get into the forest alone with his new girlfriend: MOMJEANS! But MOMJEANS made things more complex for everyone by introducing...her SON!? This ACTUAL CHILD and DADBOD almost immediately started brawling. Meanwhile, MOMJEANS unpacked the car, unaware that “her boys” were at each other’s throats! Grown man and young child thrashed each other in a disconcertingly competitive match! Finally, DADBOD tricked the young man with promises of a new family, before delivering a match-ending spear. Jeeeeeez. This probably ruined the 'Bod's chances with MOMJEANS! -- CURSED RING GETS MORE CURSED BENCH HORSE AND GARY DEF. DINORIDA AND PUGGIN’HEAD -- Things looked pretty grim. But GARY THE GOAT, PWR’S G.O.A.T and #1 SATYR, tried to lift the mood! He spoke of SANCTIFYING the cursed ring -- and the cursed forest -- with an HONORABLE WRESTLING MATCH! DINORIDA, an extremely honorable wrestler, met the challenge! Before they could have a fair, hard-hitting, CURSE-CLEARING match, BENCH HORSE clopped into our woods and made everything TERRIBLE. He demanded GARY tag with him against DINO...and GARY was duty-bound by his ANIMAL CODE to accept! Luckily for DINO, CHUBBY UNCLE JUAN and PUGGIN’HEAD showed up to even the score!! RIDA and PUGGIN looked to be capable of an upset against the brutal horse and reluctant goat! But a teamwork malfunction left them vulnerable to BENCH HORSE’S cruel finishing move. Dang…The SANCTIFICATION SPELL backfired due to Bench Horse’s dishonorable brutality, and the ring and forest became DOUBLE CURSED. SHIT! HECK! -- LUMBERJACKIN’ BIG DADDY BOLERO AND LUIGI PRIMO DRAW -- BIG DADDY BOLERO has been trying for months to put Primo's pizza business six feet under. He had been avoiding a match with Luigi, but he was now trapped in the ring with him, surrounded by lumberjacks! Even with the odds flattened to seeming fairness, BDB found ways to game the system. By tricking the ‘jacks into thinking Luigi was a tree, they cut him down and nearly cost Luigi the match. The two mustachioed men eventually battled to a draw - and a final showdown between them was set: A MUSTACHE vs. MUSTACHE match in December! One will be shaved, the other saved! One’s power will be shorn away forever... -- THE PHANTOM TRAIN EMERGES THE NARRC DEFEATS GRORB + A LECHIE -- PWR’S BFF CHAMPIONS barreled into the trees, led by scouts. They had a story of the DANGERS OF FRIENDSHIP and DOMINANCE OF TRAINS to tell! But fearsome forest spirits emerged from their costumes, and devastated NARRC’s cronies! The spirits challenged the NARRC for their titles, and a BATTLE OF SPOOKINESS ensued! Though the mighty, foul-mouthed GRORB and his LECHIE friend battled with the strength of the entire forest, the STORY OF TRAINLAW eclipsed thee tale in spookiness. Bull DeCroix and The Conductor used the BFF belts to fuse together into THE PHANTOM TRAIN, and gave the chilling upshot to their TALE OF TERROR! The Forest Protectors had been defeated. The NARRC began their dark task of laying rails and clearcutting the woods. -- Dan Loses Everything, A Birdman Flirts with Darkness Randy “the Eagle” Eagleman retains title, Def. Dan “the Man” Ziglar -- Dan the Man had been looking to rebuild his brand...and what better way than by commanding the powers of the NECROBELT? But one man stood in his way- the current NECROWEIGHT champion, Randy Eagleman! The belt and its skeletal minions had been torturing Dan, but Randy claimed to know nothing of this! The two competitors clashed with unmatched intensity. Randy repeatedly had to keep his own Necro Minions from interfering on his behalf; he wanted to defeat Dan with his own strength! Dan nearly won the day with his chair chicanery - but with the MULTIVERSE as his witnesses, Randy had the ref reverse a bad call! Unprecedented! Perched atop a ringpost, Randy spread his wings, and THE AVIAN FLEW splash cinched in his win. Randy had finally defeated Dan! His year of struggle finally paid off! Randy proceeded to humiliate Dan in the ring...it seemed like the champ might even ABSORB DAN'S SOUL with the Necrobelt! But SWIFTY DENIRO, Dan’s only friend, came to his aid. Randy left the ring furiously. But a dark epilogue...Randy’s skeletal minions brought out the Necrobelt, and SWIFTY was reduced to nothing more than a sport coat. -- THEO EARNS GED, MRS. FENNENBAUM SUMMONS ALIENS Theodosia retains title, def. Mrs. Fennenbaum -- The Main Event was then at hand! In a “hardcore, weapons-allowed” match, scholastic punishment was brought against the noble Theo! Mrs. Fennenbaum stabbed with rulers, slapped with yardsticks, and even tried to dissect her opponent! But Theodosia gave back all the punishment she received, her mighty soul allowed her back up even after a LOG HIT HER IN THE FACE! That really happened! After the bloody Mrs. Fennenbaum accidentally murdered the log she thought was her star student, Hubert, the match got somehow more brutal! But Theo reversed all the blood-thirsty offense thrown her way. She finally locked in the most CRUSHING SINGLE-LEG BOSTON CRAB EVER SEEN! Mrs. Fennenbaum had no choice but to sign her GED. Theo was now a high-school graduate, and victor of the match! The NEW PARTYWEIGHT BELT featured the GED glued to its face-plate! There was no time for celebration, as mysterious crab aliens(?) and their terrifying Master descended in a spaceship! Even though Theo seemed immune to the Alien Queen(?)’s strange biological attacks, she couldn’t stop her from grabbing her belt and stealing away back to the stars! “The lizard lady took my GED to heaven. But I’ll get it back…” Was all the Champion had left say. And with that, the Brawl of the Wild had ended. Souls had been saved, and souls had been lost. The trees had been doomed by trains. The curse lives on. Peace will not reign in the forest this day, perhaps that was never its destiny anyway. But Baby Worm was nourished by our slams and our screams, and we know she will protect us, as we protect her. We struggle under the twisting branches of fate, time, and stars. We are ever in battle! Prepare yourselves for the atmosphere of OUTER SPACE, because that’s where we’re going in December, for Winter Wonderslam IV: SPACE SLAM! Some Feedback from the Multiverse: “These plants killed people... where are the cops?” “HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM! HAIL BABY WORM!” “This show was my spiritual awakening. All hail Baby Worm!” “It Was Fine” “That was a damn blast!” “Who was the man with the makeup”